|Today 09:50 AM|
A FEW MUSINGS FROM A RETIRED PERSON (Me that is)
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,537 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. To the dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan? (i.e think "Psycho")
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
|Today 08:48 AM|
A guy on a golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage,
he took himself to the doctor. He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going
on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin - in every
way'. The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint
to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week.' He
took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint,
and taped it all together, an impressive work of art. The guy
mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their
honeymoon. That night in the hotel bedroom, she rips open her
blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first;
no one has EVER touched these.' He immediately drops his pants and
replies, .....'Look at this, ......still in the CRATE!'*
|Yesterday 01:04 PM|
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.
The priest replied:
"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours.
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said,
"That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
|04-23-2015 11:23 PM|
A small effeminate male walks into the Army recruiting office, says to the big gruff voiced recruitment Sarge in a squeaky voice, "I'd like to be a soldier"
The big sarge laughs and asks him a few questions, finishing with, "Could you kill a man?"
The little darling replied with a lovely smile on his face, "Eventually"
|04-23-2015 11:21 PM|
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.
He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degrees west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."
|04-23-2015 11:19 PM|
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”
The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir!
I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”
The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."
"Thank you very much, sir."
|04-23-2015 11:16 PM|
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral.
However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.
At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.”
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant .
He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.
The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
“Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.
The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”
|04-23-2015 10:56 PM|
A sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here.Put up your hand if you are the laziest."
24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?"
The man replied: "Too lazy to raise my hand, Sarge."
|04-20-2015 05:44 AM|
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list.
"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn five dollars."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
|04-16-2015 06:55 PM|
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
|04-16-2015 06:52 PM|
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.
The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
|04-16-2015 06:41 PM|
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
|04-14-2015 05:34 PM|
51 years ago.............
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years
|04-13-2015 07:25 PM|
This one's worth remembering!
|04-13-2015 06:43 PM|
THE DEAD COW LECTURE
First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
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