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Topic Review (Newest First)
Yesterday 11:59 AM
malc A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred
Isis "S.O.B.s". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought .... Then silence.




Eventually one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men... it's a trap. There's two of them.
01-21-2015 02:56 PM
FASTFORD
doctor in training.....

A young doctor had moved out to a small rural community to replace the retiring country doctor. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his house calls so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that doesn't do the trick?"

As they left, the younger doctor said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How did you arrive at your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh!," the younger doctor exclaimed, "pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it so fast?"

"Well, just as you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
01-21-2015 05:54 AM
bubba1955 Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, I am, but you started it."
01-20-2015 08:11 AM
bubba1955 A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
01-20-2015 08:05 AM
bubba1955 You’re An EXTREME Redneck When
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, “Hey, guys, watch this.”
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the “Star-Spangled Banner” are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
01-20-2015 08:01 AM
bubba1955 One winter morning a husband and wife in southern Winnipeg
were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say,
"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the
radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You
must park..." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her
face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the
street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?
01-18-2015 09:53 PM
whinny Lol, some gooduns there
Russ
01-18-2015 08:14 AM
Irelands child TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
01-17-2015 11:00 AM
wretched ratchet Commercials are running rampant these days and some are longer than the program time between them. So if they want me to watch them then they had better be entertaining and this one is. Heck, I may even try some Progresso Soup for the first time. :hungry:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGiMZHM22og
01-16-2015 04:30 PM
whinny
Quote:
Originally Posted by OLNOLAN View Post
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
To her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
Up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
... Stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
Or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
Thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
The little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know CRAP?"
I gotta remember that one, as an aside I do always ask my next door passenger on a flight if they are coming or going home, I get then if they want to talk or not. I've met some really interesting people on planes!

Russ
01-16-2015 04:18 PM
OLNOLAN An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
To her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
Up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
... Stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
Or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
Thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
The little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know CRAP?"
01-16-2015 01:25 PM
malc A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.

He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation......And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.
01-16-2015 01:24 PM
malc An Iowa farmer in his pickup drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
01-16-2015 11:37 AM
OLNOLAN
Lol

A husband went to police station to report his missing wife:

Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.

Sergeant : What is her height ?
Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .

Sergeant : Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant : Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.

Sergeant : Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.

Sergeant : What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband : Yes.

Sergeant : What kind of car was it?

Husband : 2014 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.……………. at this point the husband started crying.
Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We’ll find your car.
__________________
01-16-2015 02:08 AM
malc A penguin walks into a bar and says to the bar tender, "Could you help me please, I've lost my brother ?"
He says "Yeh sure, what does he look like ?"


That´s sooo silly.
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