Try this on the wife
I borrowed this from the Chevy talk forum but I like it. I think you will like it too!
A bum, who'd obviously seen more than his share of hard times,approached a well-dressed man on the street. "Hey, Buddy..........can you spare two dollars?"
The well-dressed man replied.......... "You're not going to spend it on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum. "You're not going to throw it away on fishing gear, are you?".... the gentleman asked. "No way!... I don't fish either!".....answered the bum. "You wouldn't waste the money on a deer license, would you?" asks the man.
"Never!" says the bum, "I don't hunt!"
"You wouldn't waste the money on a fancy car parts would you?" asks the man.
"Never!" says the bum, "I don't like cars!"
So the man asked the bum if he'd like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepted eagerly. While they were heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity got the better of him....."Isn't your wife going to be upset when you bring a guy like me to your house for dinner?"
"Probably," said the man, "YEAH,but it'll be damn well worth it!! for her to see what happens to a man that doesn't own a fast car, drink, fish or hunt"......................
Here's a couple I borrowed from the Camaro and Chevelle board:
What do women really want?
Good Moral Story
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; but, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.
The question was: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Since it was better than death, however, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: the old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most
noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. He relented, their wedding was
proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous.
The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.
The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked
what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel question!
Gawain began to think of his predicament: during the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do?
What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, smart or dumb. Underneath it all, she's still a witch. And if you try to control her life, things will get ugly.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
The Five Floors
A group of girlfriends went on vacation and saw a five-story hotel that read:
“FOR WOMEN ONLY”
Since they were without their boyfriends they decided to go in. When they approached the front desk, a very attractive man who offered to explain to them how the hotel worked greeted them.
“We have five floors, go up floor by floor and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s very easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you exactly what's inside. The only rule is that once you leave a floor you cannot return to it”.
The girls talked it over and decided to go for it. They start going up and reached the first floor, the sign read:
1st FLOOR: ALL THE MEN ON THIS FLOOR ARE HORRIBLE LOVERS, BUT THEY ARE ALL SENSITIVE AND KIND.
The girls looked at each other, laughed and without hesitation started up to the second floor. The sign on the second floor read:
2ND FLOOR: THE MEN ON THIS FLOOR ARE WONDERFUL LOVERS BUT GENERALLY TREAT WOMEN BADLY.
This would not do so the girls headed to the third floor.
The sign on the third floor read:
3RD FLOOR: THE MEN ON THIS FLOOR ARE GREAT LOVERS AND SENSITIVE TO THE NEEDS OF A WOMAN.
This was definitely an improvement but the hotel still had 2 more floors. The sign on the fourth floor read:
4TH FLOOR: THE MEN ON THIS FLOOR ALL HAVE PERFECT BODIES. THEY ARE SENSITIVE AND ATTENTIVE TO A WOMAN’S EVERY NEED, AND ARE ALL FABULOUS LOVERS. THEY ARE ALSO ALL SINGLE, RICH, AND STRAIGHT.
The women all were very pleased but just had to see what the fifth floor had to offer.
When the girls reached the fifth floor the elevator opened to a huge empty room, except this sign:
5TH FLOOR: THERE IS NOTHING HERE. THIS FLOOR WAS SIMPLY BUILT TO PROVE THAT THERE IS JUST NO WAY TO PLEASE A WOMAN…PLEASE RETURN TO THE LOBBY.
HRK <img src="graemlins/pimp.gif" border="0" alt="[pimp]" />
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