whats the difference between michael jackson and acne?
acne usually won't come on a boys face till the early teens.....
GM & Microsoft:
At a computer expo (COMDEX), Microsoft founder Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty five dollar cars that would get 1000 miles per gallon.
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
* For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
* Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
* Occasionally your car would die on the expressway for no reason and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
* Occasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you'd have to reinstall your motor.
* Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT", but then you would have to buy more seats.
* Macintosh would make a car powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
* The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
* New seats would force everybody to have the same size butt.
* The air bag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
* Occasionally and for no reason, your car would lock you out and not let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turn the key and grab hold of the radio antenna.
* GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
* Every time GM released a new model car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
* You'd press the "START" button to shut off the engine.
Not intended to afend anyone Just fun
Al Amantea sends this along:
IN AN EFFORT TO HELP OUTSIDERS UNDERSTAND THE MIDWEST UNITED STATES, THE FOLLOWING LIST WILL BE HANDED TO EACH DRIVER ENTERING THE AREA:
1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your SUV. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped... by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for...bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order a steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
10. You can bring Coke into my house but it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too - and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 70, 80 & 90 go two ways. Interstate 29, 35, & 75 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the ball into the water hazard. It spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot, his name is, "Sir"... no matter how old he is.
Now, enjoy your visit and go home.
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals! " he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look.
He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God! ...."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer? "
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian? "
"Very well, " said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord Amen.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. This one is froom Quantas of course
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in ****pit.
S: Something tightened in ****pit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in ****pit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" The girl says "No, I'm really a blonde". "I thought so," the doctor says. "You have a broken finger."
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."
Last edited by Stitch; 11-01-2003 at 04:30 PM.
Little Jimmy pesters the life out of his parents,until they give in.
He gets a TV in his bedroom, and all is well in the house.
A few days later little Jimmy goes up to his father and asks,
"What is love-juice dad?"
His father somewhat embarrased,trades looks with his wife and starts to explain "life"
At the end of a long session Jimmy´s father enquires as to what he was watching to inspire such a question.
"Tennis" he replies and leaves the room.
Reacting to Federal guidelines, the State of FLORIDA, which has been
highlighted as a role model for student testing by the Bush Administration's
Dept. of Education has redesigned and just released a new comprehensive test
to be given to all students beginning in the spring of the 2003-2004 school
In response to President Bush's Federal -No Child Left Behind- act, students
will have to pass it (the new test) to be promoted to the next grade level.
In the hopes that it will be uniformly adopted by all the states, thus
illuminating Texas to a glorious front runner position in education, it will
be called the Federal Arithmetic and Reading Test (FART).
All students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be retested in
grades 3, 4, and 5 until such a time as they are capable of achieving a FART
score of 80%. If a student does not successfully FART by grade 5, that
student shall be placed in a separate English program, the Special Mastery
Elective for Learning Language (SMELL).
If with this increased SMELL program the student cannot pass the required
FART, he or she can graduate to middle school by taking a one-semester
course in Comprehensive Reading and Arithmetic Preparation (CRAP).
If by age fourteen, the student cannot FART, SMELL, or CRAP, he will earn
his promotion in an intensive one-week seminar. This is the Preparatory
Reading for Unprepared Nationally Exempted Students (PRUNES).
It is the opinion of the Florida Department of Public Instruction (DPI) that
an intensive week of PRUNES will enable any student to FART, SMELL, or
CRAP. This revised provision of the student-testing component of House Bill
110 should help clear the air. This is part of the No School Left Standing
an airplane takes off from the airport. the captain is jewish and the first officer is chinese.
it's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along.
after thirty minutes, the jewish captain mutters, "i don't like chinese."
the first officer replies, "oooooh, no rike chinese? why dat?"
"you people bombed Pearl Harbor. that's why i don't like chinese."
"nooooo, nooo... chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. that "japanese, not chinese."
chinese, japanese, vietnamese... it doesn't matter, they're all alike."
another thirty minutes of silence. finally, the first officer says, "no rike jew."
why not? why don't you like jews?
jews sink Titanic."
"the jews didn't sink the Titanic. it was an iceberg."
"iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same."
On a really busy day at an airport in New york, there was a long line of aircraft waiting to take off. One of the Aircraft seemed to be having a lot of troubles long before they pusjed back from the gate. Fortunatly, none of the problem were with the plane, all with the passengers. The passengers on this flight were all Jewish, they were heading overseas. Once they finally got permission to taxi and get into line for takeoff, they did so in a rush. All the while, the other pilots got to listen to this show on the ground radios. While sitting in line for takeoff, that one particular aircraft came over the radio proclaiming that they can't find one of their passengers!! Before the ground radio center could respond to that aircraft, another pilot came over the radio and said in a really deep German accent, "Did you check ze Ovenz??"
Ground Center, immediatly asked who said that, all they got back was a bunch of laughter.
P.S. Hope I didn't offend anyone, wasnt meant to. Just saw all the avaition jokes, and thought I would throw that one in there.
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