Harry wasn't having a real good day, so he headed down to the local tavern to have a beer, the bartender sets harry up with a beer, Thanks says Harry, after a little bit Harry hears this beautiful piano music, and looks around lookin for the piano, since he knew that this bar didn't have a piano player,and not seeing a piano player he asks the bartender about the Music, the tender said to look down in the corner by the window, and there sitting at a little tiny piano is this little man about 14" tall,
Not believing what he is seeing Harry shouts "Where in the hell did you get that little guy, the bartender interupts his amasement and told Him,, Yeah I was out in the country last week and just wandering around in the forest, when I heard someone crying and hollering for help, I looked down and saw this little man under a limb and some leaves,all wet and cold, so I picked him up and put him inside my coat to warm him up, soon the little man, turns to the bar tender and says , Thanks Mister, you saved my life and I want to grant you any wish you can think of, <<<<< But before the bar tender could finish his story, Harry interrupts him and shouts " Damn man that is a leperacon, they live in Colanys [SIC] you know, where bouts did you find him?? I want to go find me one, <<< so the bar tender tells Harry about where he found this little Leperacon, Off goes Harry to the forest to find a leperacon, after serching all day long and sogging aroung wet all day,disapointed harry decides to forget it and starts to head for his car , when he hears someone crying for help, looking down he sees this little man in a puddle of water and picks him up, Damn man am I happy to find you, I saved your life and you owe me a wish, Yes seys the leperacon I do , what ever you wish for will be yours, Great says Harry ,,, I want a million bucks, No problem says the leperacon,>> Snaps his little fingers and in a few minutes the sky is just filled with a million ducks, Crap says harry throws the leperacon down and goes back to the bar, The Bar tender asks Harry !! Well harry how did you do ??? did you find the leperacon,, YEAH says Harry and he granted my wish too, but those little Turds are DEAF you know, YEAH says the bar tender I know << How do you think I got that 14" pianest ** ** penis
a joke that i heard when i was drunk, and couldn't stop laughing.
a bear walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bar tender, "i want vodka and umm............... coke."
the bar tender says "why the big pause?"
the bear says "i don't know, i was born with them"
another funny joke when you are not sober:
a whale walks into a bar, sits down, and the bar tender asks "what would you like?"
the whale says " ERRUMFPT "
[its a whale, whales don't talk]
WARNING: DO NOT TELL THESE JOKES TO ANYONE THAT IS NOT DRUNK OR THEY MIGHT THINK THAT YOU ARE A ****ING *********.
This lady goes into the pharmacy.
Goes up to the pharmacist and asks, do you sell Arsenic here?
Pharmacist says, lady, thats poison, you can't just Walk in here and buy poison.
The lady pulls a picture out of her purse and hands the picture tro the pharmacist.
The picture was of her husband and his wife.
Pharmacist says, I didn't know you had a prescription.
Rat Rods Rule!
The Lesser of Three Evils
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here, " says the devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room and in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder.I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" said George.
The devil opened a third door. Inside, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
AKM, I'm adding the bear joke to my corniest bar jokes, the horse in the bar and the dog limping into the bar. lmao...
"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not." - Mark Twain
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather
dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late
40s or early 50s. "Can I help you?" she asked. "I
want to see Natalie" the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is
one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else," said the Madam. "No. I must see
Natalie" was the man's reply.
Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man
that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the
man pulled out ten one-hundred-dollar bills and gave them to
Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man
The next night, the same man appeared again,
demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no
one had ever come back two nights in a row -too
expensive - and there were no discounts. The price
was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money,
gave it to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an
hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for the
third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went
upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned
the man. "No one has ever spent three nights in a row
with me. Where are you from?" she asked. The man replied
"Minnesota." "Really" she said. "I have family in
Minnesota." "I know," the man said. "Your father
died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to
give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is - Some things in life are certain:
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Just a few FORD jokes
-A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!"
-Next time some Ford fanatic claims Ford means "First on race day" remind them that anything could be fast if a team of mechanics worked on it all week so it would last long enough to run a race before needing another weeks work.
-That's not a leak, my Ford's just marking its territory!
-Ford...At least they circled the problem.
-God made *****, Ford gave it wheels
-Q: How do you double the value of a Ford?
-A: Put gas in it.
-Q: How is a golf ball different from a Ford?
-A: You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.
-Q: Why are there footpaths beside streets?
-A: So Ford owners have a safe place to walk home.
-Q: How come Ford makes tractors and Chevy doesn't?
-A: Chevy can't get one to run that slow!
-Q: What does the GT stand for on a Ford?
-A: Glued together!
-If one or more of these is true, unfortunately, you are driving a Ford...
-You look in your rear-view mirror to see two people with their hands on your tailgate.
-You constantly receive sympathy cards from the Department of Transportation.
-When you are walking across the parking lot, you see a priest performing last rights on your car.
-While stopped at traffic lights, other motorists offer to help push to get you started again.
-You have to stop along side the road at least once a day to pick up parts that have fallen off.
-You leave your keys in the ignition and a $20 bill on the dash for gas money in hopes that someone will steal your car.
-When you drive though town, people stop what they are doing and just start laughing.
-People try to hire you to bring your truck to their house to fog for mosquitos.
-In place of a spare tire, you find a pair of running shoes.
No, I dont hate Ford ( I owned one), just thought these were funny.
Saddam Hussein's son comes home from shopping with everything in a cardboard box. His dad says, "Why have you brought the shopping home in a cardboard box, son?"
To which his son replies, "Because there was no Baghdad!"
Martha Stewart just can't seem to stay out of trouble. Federal investigators looking through her kitchen came across an entire storeroom full of Macintosh Apples. When questioned about this cache she'd stashed, she was hard pressed to give a logical answer. Now she's being charged with "In-cider" trading
A report says high school students aren't very good with American History.
Its pretty shameful. On a recent test, a majority of seniors thought Lincoln's Gettysburg address ended with "@yahoo.com...?"
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the
local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and
an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.
After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company
president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to
strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65.
To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had
extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men
individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money.
The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is...
"Fix the dang brakes on that truck!"
After reading all 12 pages of this I realized one thing.
Jokes need pictures !!
LOL Keep up the good work ! Great jokes! I love the bat joke !
An old man and woman meet in the retirement home. After sitting together many times, in the sun room, the old man asks the old wan to hold him penis. The old woman agrees, and every day, she holds his penis.
One day, he doesn't show up. Worried, the old woman askes the nurse if he is ill. The nurse says that he is sitting in the other sun room, with a woman. Furious, the old woman wheels down to the other room and confonts the old man.
"Here you are sitting, with another woman holding your penis. What has she got, that I don't???"
1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity but not necessarily in that order.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness...but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
5. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than bad news.
6. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
7. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
8. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
9. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
(COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test you will forget where you live.)
10. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
11. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
12. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
13. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
14. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.
(It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.)
15. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
18. Law of Dispersal Probability : Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
19. If it is true that we are what we eat then everyone must be fast, cheap and easy!!!!!!
|Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)|