Is that really Coke?
"Zowie Batman, I know they're thirsty in the desert, but why don't they just use regular bombs? Seems like a good waste of good coke to me."
Talking about missles:
Old Lady Humor
>Old Lady Humor
>Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
>The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
Little Old Ladies
>Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
>An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed !" said the gentleman in earnest.
> The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday"
>Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and 'mutual orgasm' there -- that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
A guy's sitting on a park bench enjoying the sun when he sees a blonde walk up to the soda vending machine nearby. She puts in her money, pushes the button and 'Kachunk' out falls a drink.
She grabs it, puts in more money, pushes the button again. Kachunk. The guy watches as she repeatedly does this. Kachunk. Kachunk. Kachunk.
Finally the woman has a small pile of sodas next to her and the guy can't contain his curiosity anymore so he walks up to her and says. "Excuse me ma'am, what are you doing?"
to which the blonde replies "I'm winning... DUH!"
Another blonde joke: A blonde walks into a building.
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1)Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Oil Change $20.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil. Splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
18) Sunday: Skip church because 'I gotta finish the oil change.' Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August (2002) in the left boob.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over:..... arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Impound fee $75.00
But at least you know the job was done right!!
A woman turns to her husband and asks him if he thinks she needs bigger boobs.
"Tell you what" he says "get a wad of toilet tissue and rub it furiously between your milkers"
"Do you think that will work?" asks his wife
"Why not?" he replies "It's worked on your arse"
Last edited by Stitch; 10-28-2003 at 05:25 PM.
A blonde went into a store a was in the back looking at house hold appliances. the sales clerk came up and asked if she would like t buy something sh said yes i would like to buy that TV up there. the clerk said sorry maam we don't sell TVs to dumb blondes.... a few hours later she comes back with black hair and says i want to buy the TV back there well the clerk says sorry we dont sell TVs to dumb blondes she said my hair is black how do you know im a blonde? he said thats a microwave not a TV.
a blonde red head and burnett sitting in a bar. the redhead ask the bartender why is that mirror always hanging back there no one can see it good enough to use it? bartender says well its a magic mirror if you tell a lie while looking in it you'll disappear. well they all think he s full of it so the red head walks up to try it and says i think im the prettiest woman in here ... nothing happens. burnett walks up says i think i have the most beautiful hair in this bar... nothing happens the blonde walks up and says i think.... poof she disappears
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