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RODNEY DANGERFIELD
A lifetime of No Respect

Childhood

I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor slapped me, he slapped
my mother.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a
custody fight over me... and no one showed up.

I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was
missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.

With my ol' man, I got no respect. He told me to start at the bottom. He
was teaching me how to swim.

One day my parents took me to the beach. I got lost and asked a cop if he
could help me find my parents. He said, "I don't know kid. There are so
many places they could hide."

Life with the Wife

With my wife, I got no sex life. She cut me down to once a month. Hey, I'm
lucky--two guys I know she cut out completely.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the
car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked
her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it
out. Well, I'll put it this way--I had it out.

I asked my wife, "Last night, were you faking it?" She said, "No, I was
really sleeping."

My wife and I have an on and off relationship. Every time I get on, she
tells me to get off.

I tell ya one thing--I know how to satisfy my wife in bed. I leave.

I decided to surprise my wife one day by coming home early. I phoned her to
let her know I would be home in two minutes. As I drove up to my house, I
noticed a naked man running down the street, carrying all his clothes. I
yelled to him, "How come you're not wearing your clothes?" He replied,
"Because you came home early."

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from
a motel.

With my wife I could never have a good time. The other night I was
drinking. She said, I want you to stop. You're drunk enough for me." I told
her, "I'm never drunk enough for you."

With my wife, I get no respect. I took her to a drive-in movie. I spent the
whole night trying to find out what car she was in.

My wife was the inspiration for twin beds.

One thing about my wife, she gives great headache.

I told my doctor, "I think my wife has VD." He gave himself a shot of
penicillin.

I tell you one thing, my wife keeps me in line. No matter how many guys are
ahead of me.

Misc.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of
those places.

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do
it over again.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four
kids escaped.

I told my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine,
I don't need one.

This girl was fat. I hit her with my car. She asked, "Why didn't you go
around me?" I told her, "I didn't have enough gas." I mean fat. She was
standing alone. A cop told her to break it up. She stepped on a scale, a
card came out. It said, One at a time!

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting
older. I took out an older women the other night, and I mean old. I told
her, "Act your age." She died.

Nothing goes right. I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two-to-one I
don't make it.

I called the Suicide Hot-Line. They put me on hold.

I tell ya, I know I'm ugly. My proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth. I
mean UGLY! Four gay guys saw me and went straight. Halloween, I open the
front door...kids give me candy.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

I tell you, I can't take it no more. My dog found out we look alike. He
killed himself.

I loaned a guy $10,000 to get plastic surgery. I want my money back, but I
can't find him. I don't know what he looks like.

Last week, I went to a discount massage parlor--it was self-service.

What a doctor I've got--he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee
and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.
 
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