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Kenneth Howard hates you...
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572 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
A buddy of mine sent this to me via email....funny stuff!
Later,
WEIMER



Dear Friends:

My wife Sandy is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes. Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy.
(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Sandy . The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee …I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Sandy what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Sandy to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****ed to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
 

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Heart Breaker and Life Taker
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174 Posts
LMFAO!!!!!! HA HA!!!!! Oh ****,I thought I got bored. Talk about getting your *** kickied,LOL,
:p
yeah,according to your description,I think it works.
 

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Got Ouzo for touzo
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415 Posts
That one is great, reminds me of that writer that wrote about testing the laxatives. I'll bet the same guy wrote that one.


bonuts
 

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Banned
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431 Posts
i'd hate to be the one to ruin the story, but i have two of those. one 60,000 volts the other 80,000 volts.
back when i was yound and VERY dumb, i used to shock myself with them all of the time at parties.
it hurt a little and left a couple of white marks where ever i shocked myself but it wasn't anything like that.

there was this one time though that i stuck my tonge in between the two center posts and then zapped it....... it was like a lightining bolt shot through my brain, and it scared me a little, but nothing like what this guy is saying.

hell, i wish i had a video camera. i would show you that those things don't do what they say they do.
 

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Banned
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3,532 Posts
I have been shocked more times than I can count.
120V aint bad.
277V hits pretty hard.
277V without a ground on the phase conductor starts getting painful.
Grabbing the open neutral on 277V feels like getting hit by a car. Getting shocked by a lighting ballast has been the worst yet. 600V plus. It is like getting hit by a bus. You forget where you are for a few seconds.

Those tasers have a high voltage, but a low amperage. It is the amperage that gets you.
 

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Banned
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431 Posts
lluciano77 said:
Those tasers have a high voltage, but a low amperage. It is the amperage that gets you.
exactly, thats what makes that story BS.

right after my first post on this thread, i dug out one of my old ones, put a brand new battery in it and shocked myself. felt just like it did back in the day.....little bit of pain and just left a couple of white marks on my arm.
 

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Kenneth Howard hates you...
Joined
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572 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Dude....it is a joke....funny...haha....:rolleyes:
Ease up on the tension a little there bro! Just jokes....
Later,
WEIMER
 

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Tazz
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2,048 Posts
The cops get a blast off the stinger ...

before your allowed to carry one of those zappers you have to allow the other guys to zap you with it first so you know what it will do....ZAAAP....aint at all fun! I still have mine from my cop days.


Tazz


Rat Rods Rule!
 
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